Potions Mishap
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Ginny slips Harry a potion to help him get over his nightmares, but having nightmares about your red haired mother's death and then combining them with wet dreams about a red haired girl... just might be a bit confusing. Mind Healer Luna is on the case!
1. Chapter 1

**Potion Mishap**

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter... or Luna Lovegood. Dammit!

I own no intellectual property dealing with this franchise.

--

Luna was eating dinner with the Weasleys and discussing a certain boy-who-lived. "He seemed a lot more stressed and unhappy then he usually does when he has to go back to his relatives."

"I tried to cheer him up. I slipped him some 'flights of fancy' in his pumpkin juice a couple of nights before he left. That should have helped with the nightmares, but I didn't see any change." Ginny sunk down in her seat when she realized what she'd said.

"You slipped him a potion? What does it do?" Hermione quickly asked, before Ginny could answer the first question.

One of the twins, Hermione wasn't sure which one, answered, "The 'flight of fancy' potion is a potion that encourages... certain dreams. Of course if a witch were to put one of her hairs in the potion, then it would encourage certain dreams about her."

"Like a love potion?" The bushy haired girl asked, a bit upset.

"It's not anything like a love potion, but it does encourage a bloke to think of a girl as a girl and not just as say, a bloke's best friend's little sister." The other twin smirked as Ron stared at Ginny wide eyed.

"No compelling of emotions whatsoever. In fact if he had strong feelings for someone else he'd dream about them instead, " the other twin confirmed, "It's the magical equivalent of sending someone a love letter, depending on where the hair is plucked from on the witch anyway." He added with a grin.

"Dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked the question everyone was thinking without having to say anymore than that.

"Underarm." Ginny replied, turning red enough to eclipse her freckles.

"What exactly does that mean for the potion?" Hermione asked, over the snickering from the twins and Ron banging his head on the table.

The Weasley parents just chuckled at their children's antics.

Luna smiled dreamily, "It means things can go either way. The hair from the head would cause romantic dreams, while the further towards the sexual organs on the body the more explicit the dreams would be. The underarm encourages a bit of both, depending on the boy's mood and how 'pent up' he is. Ginny basically sent him a love letter with some steamy bits in it, nothing inappropriate for our year. "

"Oh," Hermione said, mollified, "so if someone were collecting someone's hair, then they are probably using it for that purpose?" She asked with a pointed look at the twins that got a blistering glare from Ron.

"We didn't collect any of Hermione's hair." One quickly spouted out, as the silverware around Ron started to vibrate.

Yeah," the other one said, "we collected a batch of Draco and Snape's hair from the shower drain."

The room fell silent for a moment before Arthur awkwardly spoke up, "You know, I'll love you boys regardless..."

He was interrupted before he could finish. "We weren't using it for that purpose."

"Well, not on ourselves anyway."

"We were dosing the two with each other's hair."

"Ginny had us brew up a batch and we massively overdid it, so we decided not to let the extra go to waste."

Arthur and Molly both let out a relieved sigh, while everyone else started snickering. They didn't bother telling the two it was wrong to dose a student and teacher, as they had met both of them before.

"That explains why the two of them were avoiding looking at each other through the farewell feast." Hermione muttered, trying to keep from laughing.

Luna began to pale as something horrible occurred to her. "You don't happen to have any extra potion, do you? I think Harry needs to relax a bit more and he's unlikely to get any considering the dreams he's been having and I'm afraid your addition actually made things worse." She finished apologetically to Ginny.

"What?!" Ginny blurted out shocked that Luna would suggest such a thing, "How can you say that?"

"We had a talk on the train about his nightmares..." Luna began.

"He talked to you about his nightmares, but he doesn't even like to discuss them with me!" Hermione broke in, wondering why one of her best friends would turn to a girl he wasn't as close to for emotional support.

"Because we have similar nightmares. We both still wake up, gasping for air, remembering out mothers dying right in front of us and being unable to do anything about it." Luna explained sadly.

"Oh," Hermione winced, realizing she had swallowed her foot on that one.

"How would that make dreaming of me a bad thing?" Ginny asked, having calmed down a bit, but still upset about what she figured Luna planned on doing.

"Imagine you're seeing your mother dying before your eyes and suddenly you're... involved in a sex dream with a girl that bares more than a passing resemblance to her. With the strong emotions involved, I don't think he'd realize it was Ginny and not still..." Luna trailed off.

"Merlin!" Ron breathed out, before rushing to the bathroom and being noisily sick.

Hermione looked a bit green herself, as did the rest of the table.

"Here," One of the twins said, handing a small chest to Luna, "there's enough potion in there to dose him for half a year."

"That boy is going to make some lucky mind healer richer than the Malfoys if something isn't done." The other twin contributed.

"I'll do what I can," Luna assured them. "Now if you'll excuse me, this really shouldn't wait another night."

Arthur nodded. "I'll side-along you there."

As the two vanished, Ginny began to wring her hands together, much like her mother did when she was worried. "How can I make this up to him? A life debt is easy to repay in comparison!"

Ron returned to the table, still looking a bit green. "I don't know, take up a collection of hairs from all the girls in the school to help wipe it from his memory, making sure to avoiding anyone with red hair," he said thoughtfully, "or anyone he's really close to like... Hermione." he finished quickly, looking down.

Hermione blushed and agreed, "It would probably be like having a dream of your sister."

Ron looked almost as green as when he had rushed upstairs earlier. "Mom, how good are you at obliviating people, cause I'm really afraid to go to sleep now."

Molly winced. "Sorry dear, but that spell is restricted for a reason."

"Oh," Ron replied, looking about as bad as he did when the twins had had surprised him with a tarantula for his ninth birthday.

The twin nearest Hermione nudged her under the table and slipped her a vial of clear liquid.

"I'll be right back," She excused herself from the table and went upstairs.

Ginny looked at the twins hopefully. "I don't suppose you have any more left over."

"Plenty of, Snape and Draco." One answered, trying to make a joke to cheer up the rather traumatized people at the table.

Ginny shuddered. "I'd rather get head from Hermione."

Everyone stared at her.

"I mean, I'd rather get a hair from Hermione's head." Ginny's freckles disappeared again. "Better a romantic dream of a girl then any kind of dream involving those two."

Molly let out the breath she was holding.

The twins looked at each other and shrugged before one passed her a vial with a softly glowing blue potion, letting her know it had already been prepared with a hair.

"Whose?" Ginny asked timidly, staring at the vial like it was a poisonous snake.

"Some muggle bloke named Fabio. He poses for muggle romance novel covers. We collected a bit from him at the request of some of the girls from the upper years who live in the muggle world."

Ginny sighed and downed it.

Hermione returned to the table and poured the potion into Ron's butterbeer, refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

The twins waited until Ron had drank his, before sliding him a clear vial. He looked at it curiously before things had finally dawned on him, whereupon he quickly rushed up stairs to prep the potion, knowing that it was considered bad manners to show which hair you were plucking in front of the person you were giving it to.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

Luna stumbled a bit as they landed, but quickly straightened up and marched up to the front door of Harry's Aunt's house and knocked firmly, leaving Arthur standing outside to deal with Harry's guards that she wasn't suppose to know about.

Petunia scowled, seeing one of 'those people' on her stoop.

Before Petunia could say anything she quickly spoke up. "I need to see Harry and unlike Harry I am allowed to use magic outside of school. It's one of the benefits of being a pureblood." She lied glibly. "So you can either let me see him or I can start brightening up your yard with a few quick spells. For instance I really think the roses would look better if they were a softly glowing blue and that hedge would really stand out if I made it produce pineapples and pears."

Petunia jumped back and opened the door widely shooing Luna in. "Upstairs, third door on your right. He's been in there moping since he arrived."

"Who's at the door, pet?" Vernon asked before seeing who it was and turning purple as he prepared to have a massive tantrum.

Luna short-circuited him by tossing him a small bag. "It's gold. Not magic at all, just gold. Melt it down before you sell it and there'll be no connection to anything freakish at all. Money talk, bullshit walks."

Vernon's color returned to normal and he began to grin, as he looked in the bag and saw what was in there.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 **

Harry lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling, contemplating how right the Dursley's were to call him a freak. Even his scar had stopped bothering him since the first time Voldy had walked in on one of his dreams in the last week and had turned green and immediately left. How freakish were you when even a dark lord couldn't stand to spend a couple of minutes torturing you?

He was taken by surprise when Luna burst into his room and closed the door behind her. Not being one for beating around the bush she quickly summed up his shame. "You've been having dreams of having sex with your mother and moping about how sick and twisted you are."

**AN: Ain't I a stinker! Possibly a one shot, but then my muse is giggling evilly again... so I guess not.**


	2. Chapter 2

**An Explosive Mixture **

Harry stared at Luna, horrified that someone had discovered his secret shame. Well, secret except for Voldemort knowing about it and truthfully Voldemort looked too disturbed to share it with anyone.

"It's not your fault and I have a cure," Luna said firmly, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm having dreams about my Mum, imitating a shop vac and it's not my fault," Harry questioned, not quite ready to let go of the guilt he was wallowing in.

"You were slipped a potion that causes you to have sexual dreams about a certain witch, unfortunately she bares a certain resemblance to your mother and the witch in question didn't know about your nightmares, so she had no way of knowing that they'd blend together the way they did."

"So, it's not my fault," Harry repeated, a bit of hope that he wasn't a complete pervert apparent.

Luna nodded, "The fact that she's imitating a shop vac is your fault, but not that she's there in a sex scene."

"So, why..." Harry began, wondering exactly hot to phrase the question in the forefront of his mind and surprised that Luna knew what a shop vac was.

Luna sighed, "I figure it's a bit of turnabout. As a baby you spend a large amount of time sucking on her breasts for sustenance, so of course it's only fair that now she's sucking on your..."

Harry quickly interrupted Luna before she could continue, "So, I'm not a complete pervert."

"Oh, Harry," Luna sat next to him on the bed and caressed his cheek gently. "Of course you are."

"What?"

"You're a teenage male, if you weren't a complete pervert there would be something wrong with you. The average teenage male thinks about sex every nineteen seconds on average, so while we've been sitting here talking you should have been thinking about having sex with me at least five times by my count," Luna said firmly.

"But... I... Wouldn't..." Harry stuttered out, feeling really uncomfortable with Luna's blunt honesty.

Luna's hand dropped down to Harry's lap and grabbed something near and dear to him in a light grip that hinted that it could get a lot tighter if he said the wrong thing. "I said, you should have thought of having sex with me at least five times, right?"

Harry suddenly realized he was a seer, because he could see a lot of pain in his future if he didn't answer Luna's question with the answer she wanted to hear. "Seven times and I tried to peak down your blouse twice." For once he was glad that his traitorous organ had a mind of its own as it began to respond to Luna's grip despite his own fear.

Luna released her hostage, after giving him a light squeeze and was suddenly the picture of a demure young maiden, as she blushed and looked away from him. "Oh, Harry, you say the sweetest things."

Harry just gave a terrified smile and tried to think of a way to change the subject. "So, who slipped me the potion?"

"Ginny. She thought it would help you get rid of your nightmares. It's the wizarding world's version of a love letter with the added bonus that no one else gets to read it."

"It worked," Harry said flatly, shifting uncomfortably as the baggy pants he was forced to wear began to look like the clown's were raising the bigtop for the night's performance at the circus.

Luna smiled happily. She'd been a bit worried that Harry was gay, considering him and Draco argued like Hermione and Ron, but it was clear to her that Harry had simply responded to Draco the way he had because he looked so feminine and Harry had no better female companionship available. Well she'd fix that and she'd fix Draco too if he didn't stop flirting with her Harry!

"The only good part about this is that when Voldemort tried to enter my mind, using the link through my scar while I slept, he got nauseous and left. The dreams about having sex with Mum... err Ginny are slightly less sickening then the ones with Voldemort taunting me. Well, now that I know it's not my Mum anyway."

"Well, I suppose we can fix that by training you in Occlumency," Luna assured him, giving him what she considered a comforting pat.

"What's Occlumency," He replied, trying to distract himself from Luna's suddenly enticing hands.

"It's the mental art that was developed to protect from Legilimency,"

"What's Legilimency?"

"It's the magic used to enter another's mind. Legilimency is the sword and Occlumency is the shield. It's not much talked about these days, but it was quite popular before the books on it were declared restricted by the Ministry," Luna gave him another comforting pat that had him biting his lip.

"S-s-so, if I learn Occlumency I c-c-can keep Voldemort out of my head," Harry asked, running through Quidditch plays in his head.

"Oh, yes. It's also useful for other things."

"Like what?"

"It allows you to think in many directions at the same time, of course the books say that's a bit dangerous, as you tend to lose track of reality if you split your thoughts into more than three directions," Luna said, scoffing at the silly idea that expanding your mind was dangerous.

"How many thoughts do you have running through your head," he asked, a bit fearful of the answer.

"Forty-Two," Luna said proudly.

"Wow," Harry said, so awed that the clowns actually began to cancel tonight's show and take down the bigtop.

"The first step of Occlumency is to clear your mind. Fortunately for you, I know how to cast the Bobbing Head charm wandlessly, so it doesn't set off the ministry's magic detectors," Luna said, smiling widely.

"Don't you mean, the Bubble Head charm," he questioned, remembering how he'd run across it after he'd passed the second task in the Triwizard tournament and wondered why he hadn't heard about such a simple and useful spell before that, when now it seemed that they taught it in the first year.

Luna laughed, "The Bubble Head charm simply keeps a bubble of fresh air around your head, while the Bobbing Head charm allows you to breathe through your skin. Now close your eyes and relax and I'll help you clear your mind."

Harry chuckled at Luna's infectious laughter and did as she asked, feeling a lot more relaxed, now that he knew he wasn't dreaming of doing his Mum because he was weird, it was just a potion's accident and relieved that he was no longer showing any embarrassing reaction's to Luna's presence. She was a good kind of strange he decided.

Luna smiled and tapped herself on the head, causing a shimmer of light to cascade down her skin. "Now just relax and keep your eyes closed and I'll help you clear your mind of any distracting thoughts," she said with a smile.

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Xenophilius Lovegood paused in the middle of writing his latest article about his latest hunt for the Crumpled-Horned Snorkacks, commonly known as Jackson's Chameleons to the muggles, as his Father-Sense started tingling. He dismissed it as a false alarm, since his lovely and virginal daughter had vowed on her magic that she wouldn't have any physical relationship with any boys until she was thirty-five or they had survived all three unforgivables. She had gotten his vow in return that he wouldn't interfere in her relationships, but since he wouldn't have to worry about her for another twenty years he thought it was a great idea.

Smiling merrily he went back to writing about an animal that the magical world thought was completely made up, since it absorbed any nearby magic to make itself invisible to mages, with nary a thought about his precocious daughter, who he was sure was perfectly fine, even if she had mastered all the spells her mother had invented after she was married to keep things interesting.

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Luna skipped out of the Dursley's with a large stick of pink cotton candy, while humming Entrance of the Gladiators, the traditional song used to open the circus bigtop for the main event.

Mr. Wesley was quite surprised when Luna came out, he'd figured it take at least an hour to calm the poor boy down after explaining things to him and another two to get him to take a potion with Luna's hair in it, regardless of where she had plucked it from, but Luna was in and out in a little over an hour and seemed quite happy, so things must have gone well.

**AN: I've heard of sanity, but I've never had much truck with it. Too many crazy people practice it for my tastes!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Whipping up a batch**

"Wheee!"

**THUD**

Harry awoke with a start and stared at the blond girl laying face down on his bedroom floor. "Luna, are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm fine Harry, why do you ask," she replied, before climbing to her feet and dusting herself off.

"Well, you… It's not important." If she said she was fine, then who was he to argue?

"Help me move your bed," the blond girl commanded and drug Harry out of bed by his arm.

"Ohhh, nice boxers." Luna smiled brightly, as she took in Harry's state of undress.

Normally, Harry was much too shy to respond to a girl in this situation, but considering she'd gotten into those boxers the day before, he just shrugged it off and helped her drag his bed to the middle of the room.

"OK, lay back down."

"Here," Harry asked, wondering what was going on, but between just waking up and Luna's warm smile he was pretty much putty in her hands.

"Perfect," Luna muttered, before touching one of her radish earrings and vanishing.

Harry looked over at where Luna had been standing and wondered if he had actually woken up yet or if he was still dreaming.

"Wheee!"

**THUD**

Luna was once more face down on the floor, but now she was face down where his bed had been just moments ago.

With a bright smile the young witch climbed back to her feet and said, "Third time's a charm. Although Professor Flitwick insists it isn't, except in some very old rituals involving crops. Now Harry, look straight up and be ready to catch me."

"OK…" Harry trailed off as Luna touched her earring and vanished once more. Staring at the ceiling above his bed, he once again wondered what made Luna tick or was that made a lunatic and was being one as much fun as she made it seem?

Harry's thoughts were shortly disrupted by a very, very naked blond girl, wearing radish earrings, landing on top of him. Rational thought fled quite quickly, as it often did around anyone of the Lovegood clan, clothed or not. It wouldn't at all be out of line to suggest that it may have been frightened away, Harry thought cheerfully.

**42 minutes later….**

Luna and Harry lay on his bed, sweaty, panting, and spent.

"So, what gave you the idea to do all of this," Harry asked, once he'd caught his breath and realized he was awake, although maybe not alive, because he'd apparently reached, The Good Place.

"Well, have you ever heard the saying, The opposite of the truth is a lie and the opposite of a great truth is another great truth?"

"I don't think so."

Luna shrugged, doing delightful things to her topography. "Well, since that bit of wisdom seems to have stood the test of time, I decided that doing the exact opposite of Dumbledore's wishes would be the perfect thing to do."

"How do you figure," Harry asked, thankful that Luna's training last night allowed him to follow two separate trains of thought at once, else he wouldn't have been able to keep track of what she'd been saying as he studied her… geography.

"I've decided that since everyone agrees that, following the commands of a great wizard is a wise thing to do, than the corollary is, naturally, that doing the opposite of what a great wizard tells you to do, is also wise."

"Can't argue with the results," Harry said agreeably, thinking of people doing the opposite of what Dumbledore requested, like dropping Harry off in a loving home as a child or upon finding out that Snape was a Death Eater, who passed information onto Dumbledore, (who apparently felt the need to collect but not use it,) had him given the Dementor's Kiss.

Luna smiled. "Dumbledore told everyone that you needed to be alone to grieve, so they weren't to write you. Obviously the best thing to do than was to visit and have lots of sex with you. It accomplishes the opposite of Dumbledore's suggestion and meshes quite nicely with my goals, though I don't pretend to be a great wizard."

"Your goals," Harry asked.

"Yes. My goals are to have lots of sex with you and make you so happy that Snape spontaneously combusts."

"Snape will spontaneously combust if I'm happy?" Strangely enough, Harry didn't find the idea all that farfetched. The man had certainly done his best to make Harry miserable for reasons that no rational adult would believe.

Luna shrugged, causing Harry to thank the gods for being able to split his focus once again.

"It's all theory at this point, but I think it's an experiment worth exploring, don't you?"

Harry nodded so quickly that he almost hurt himself.

Luna smiled and began to scoot down the bed. "But first I think we need to work on your Occlumency skills some more."

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In Dumbledore's office three of his whirling silver doodads exploded, knocking him out of his chair and singing his beard.

Clambering to his feet, the old wizard quickly took stock of the situation. "Damn, someone must be after Harry again. Those gauges monitored the strength of the ward, but who would be powerful enough to cause that sort of feedback?"

Sending a message with one of the elves, to summon Professor Snape, he quickly checked the watch schedule and almost groaned. He had Dung on watch, which meant that there'd be no help there. 'Well, it'll do Severus some good to get some fresh air.'

He waved his wand, reassembling all the damaged items on his desk, which promptly exploded, knocking him on his ass once more.

Staring at the ceiling he couldn't help but wonder if karma was paying him back for something.

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"There we go," Luna chirped, wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand. "Have you managed to clear your mind now?"

Silence was his only response.

Luna looked over at Harry and saw the blank stare and wide grin that denoted a completely blank mind state.

"Ohh, Poo! I must have overdone it." She briefly considered programming him as a sleeper agent to take care of the Rotfang conspiracy, but decided it'd probably upset him later in life and that would lead to less sex, so she'd simply have to program Ron as she'd planned. 'He's practically a blank slate already, all I'll need is something shiny and, boom, one readymade sleeper agent.'

Sighing, a bit annoyed that her fun time was being interrupted by waiting for Harry's mind to put itself back together again, she looked around for something else to do and found Dudley's collection of sci-fi books. 'This looks interesting.'

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Snape grumbled irritably. He'd been right in the middle of some important research when Dumbledore had summoned him. 'I swear I'll figure out how to unscramble those muggle broadcasts if it's the last thing I do!' He'd set aside the remains of the mirror of Erised, which he'd been attempting to use to unscramble muggle porn channels, and answered the call.

His black robe flared out behind him rather dramatically as Snape strode down the sidewalks of Surrey like he owned the place and was thinking of having it torn down. He was being followed by two dementors, who'd assumed he was one of them because of all the negative emotions he was putting out.

The two dementors had been sent by a toad like woman in the minister's office. The wards on Privet Drive would keep them out, but little things like reality and intelligence had never stopped anyone in the minister's office from hasty and ill conceived actions.

Snape stopped in front of #4 Privet Drive and stepped forward… only to have the wards fry him like a fly on a bug zapper.

The two dementors froze as the dark and greasy wizard was lit up with enough juice to power the ministry of magic for about a week. Both of them decided to take a little vacation and try again next year. It wasn't like the-toad-that-walked-like-a-woman was smart enough to put a time limitation on them, besides a week or two on the beach would do them both some good. They'd get some sun, maybe try swimming, if they could find a way to get the water to stop freezing around them and it was always entertaining to trick lifeguards into giving them mouth to mouth.

Grabbing the charred and smoking figure by its foot, they carefully drug it out of range of the wards and carried it off for some sun and soul sucking on the beach.

It'd be the best vacation Snape ever had.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Power of… Love, kinda.**

"Now we need to work on expanding your magical core," Luna said, when she noticed that Harry's eyes had began to focus again and he no longer looked like a concussed puppy.

Harry just nodded agreeably, but to be fair he'd probably have agreed to let Luna search for snorkacks in his skull with a pickaxe at the moment.

"Now, Cousin Ollivander always gives everyone a hint about the easiest way to increase the size of their magical core when they come to his shop. Do you recall what it is?"

Harry blinked and tried to recall. "Well, I was a bit distracted because he started talking about Voldemort and how alike we were."

"Well I'm sure you've been in his shop since then and I'm sure he's repeated it."

"The only thing he's said is that I should be sure to polish my wand. That's not it, is it? I don't see how polishing my wand would really expand my magical core."

"Of course not silly, that would be ludicrous. No, that's only the hint he gives out. The key to expanding your core is to masturbate," Luna replies sunnily.

"Excuse me?" Harry asked politely, sure that he'd missed something.

"Polishing the wand is slang for masturbation. Of course The Ministry has suppressed the practice as much as possible. Why do you think they stick so many teenage students in one room when the castle has so much empty space? The Founders made Hogwarts as large as they did, when the magical population was quite small, so everyone could have a room to themselves, so they could expand their magical core without fear of embarrassment, but then morals changed and the ministry sought to discourage the practice as much as possible, having forgotten the truth of the matter. It was never written into the school guidelines or anything because they figured teens wouldn't need any encouragement in the matter."

"So the most powerful mages…"

"Polish their wands quite often."

"Dumbledore…"

"Chronic masturbator. Got caught once and managed to push it off on his brother. The Ministry charged his brother, Abeforth with performing inappropriate charms on goats. It's part of their discouragement policy. He has to raise goats as part of his punishment, so everyone will think he's a pervert who does naughty things to goats."

"So, Voldemort…"

"Probably doesn't at all. If he had, he wouldn't have needed to do all those dark rituals to expand his core and no one who has a couple of orgasms a day becomes a Dark Lord. It takes a great deal of sexual frustration to become that evil. Besides, everyone knows Dark Magic shrivels the penis."

Harry shuddered. "So if, just as an example, I cast a dark curse on Malfoy…"

Luna stared at him wide eyed. "Then we have a lot of work to do to make sure it doesn't affect the size of my penis!"

"Your penis, I thought we were talking about my penis?" Harry quickly examined Luna and let out a relieved sigh when he saw that she didn't suddenly grow an addition.

Luna reached out and touched on the subject of their discussion. "Whose hands would you rather have it in, yours or mine?"

"Yours!" Harry replied without hesitation.

"Exactly, so I feel it is only correct to call it my penis. We can splinch it off later, so I can take it home with me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?" Harry asked politely, hoping against hope that he had misheard her, but slightly scared that he hadn't.

"I said, we can splinch it off later, that way I can take it home with me and continue increasing your core and work on your Occlumency skills without anyone being the wiser."

"Ummm, not to be a party pooper, but I thought splinching accidents were incredibly painful."

"Gods, yes! They are one of the most painful accidents you can have."

"But you just said we were going to splinch off my meat and two vegs."

"Yes, but not by accident, we are going to do it on purpose, that's a whole different matter."

"So I can splinch off a hand on purpose and it won't hurt?"

Luna stared at him like he was insane. "Harry, I don't know who's been trying to convince you to splinch off bits of yourself, but trust me when I say, they are not your friend."

"OK…" Harry racked his mind trying to figure out where the conversation had gone so wrong. "But it's ok to splinch off my wedding tackle?"

"It's the only part of your body that is safe to splinch off. That's what apparition was invented for."

"I thought apparition was invented for travel," Harry said.

"Not remotely, all magical methods of travel were invented for sexual purposes."

"Flooing?"

"That was the third use of Dragon's blood that Flamel discovered. He invented floo powder so he could sneak out of houses when husbands returned home unexpectedly."

"Broomsticks?"

"Originally they didn't fly, they just vibrated. Morgana was credited with the invention of the charm and Merlin suped it up a bit, as a prank, which lead to flying."

"Flying carpets?"

"Exhibitionist teens," Luna countered. "Plus the carpets were much more comfortable than the beds back then."

"Port Keys?"

"Forgot about those. Portkeys were invented for the Tri-Wizard Tournament and that was simply to make it more convenient for a Dark Lord to resurrect himself."

"What?!"

"Oh, yes. The Tri-Wizard tournament was invented by a Dark Lord, in what is now known as Germany, to facilitate his resurrection. You see, the strongest and smartest wizard would win, making him a much more fit sacrifice than a wizard chosen at random. By winning you lost. I believe a muggle born writer wrote a story based on it called 'The Lottery'. I was quite surprised that Dumbledore agreed to have it held here, but then I realized that most people had forgotten about why it was created."

**AN: Well if you were given the ability to warp the bonds of reality at will what would you use it for?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A sticky situations**

"Somehow, I doubt he forgot. Dumbledore likes to set me up with little tests like that, to keep me from getting bored at school," Harry said sarcastically, wondering if Dumbledore's lemon drops were laced with something and vowing to take a handful the next time Dumbledore offered him some.

"At any rate, most magic was developed for sexual purposes and then perverted for use in day to day tasks."

"Really?" Harry asked curiously.

"Really," Luna confirmed. "Magic hits just a little before puberty. Seems kinda obvious what spells you'd invent with your flesh wand doing the thinking for you. Only us Lovegoods know the truth these days, because we have kept all the old knowledge, it's where our name comes from after all."

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Severus Snape, potions master, death eater, and surprisingly good limbo dancer, awoke with a start.

"Huh? Where am I?"

"**YOU ARE**," a sepulchral voice growled out, only to stop and hock up a load of phlegm, before continuing in a sexy contralto. "You're in a park, just down the street from Potter's place. The wards reacted rather badly to you, so we decided to knick you out of there before they cooked you like a side of bacon."

Snape quelled his rising panic when he noticed that while he was feeling the chill of their presence, he wasn't noticing any particularly bad memories or painful past recollections. "Aren't I supposed to be reliving my worst nightmares right about now?"

The two dementors laughed like the sound of tinkling bells, before one responded, "Well, you'd have to have a soul for that to work."

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Harry just shook his head. "And bone vanishing charms?"

"The lower two ribs."

"What good would that do?"

"Well it was developed after several young men managed to break their own necks trying to…"

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"And that's how I lost my soul, or at least most of it. Damn, Black and his muggle card games!" Severus cursed.

One of the dementors shucked off her cloak, revealing a body that would make a Vela feel inadequate. Silky black hair, softly glowing, blue eyes and flawless, pale skin with lush curves, suddenly filled his view. He stared at the naked dementor and then looked over at the one still wearing her robe, a skeletal and rotted visage just barely visible under the hood. Both dementors giggled, before the other removed her cloak, revealing another female form that could cause young boys to hit puberty half a decade in advance with just a wink.

"How, why, huh?" he stuttered unable to form a coherent thought.

"We're the Velas' dark sisters, where they would inspire lust, we inspire fear. We are the ice to their flames, we would suck your soul, while they would suck your…"

"Hey!" the other dementor broke in. "I wouldn't mind some of that either, in fact none of us would turn it down, but do you know how hard it is to find a man who can raise the Maypole in a cold and damp environment, far away from the sun, much less while being affected by our aura?"

She tugged at her sister's cloak. "Do you see what I see?"

"What? Oh!!"

Both girls stared at the tent in Severus' lap like they had just found the Holy Grail.

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"It also helps with limboing, but that's not its true purpose."

"And the Skeletal-Gro potion?"

"Doesn't hurt re-growing the bottom two ribs at all, it's just re-growing the rest of your bones that are painful, because it wasn't designed for them."

Harry just stared at her, stunned.

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"So what are your names?" Severus asked, feeling a little… cocky and thinking that the two dementors looked familiar somehow.

"Oh, we're all named, Lily," she replied.

"Even the traitor was named Lily," Lily said.

"Hush, she is not to be spoken of!" Lily growled, scales sliding across her features for a moment.

Lily winced. "Sorry."

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"What about Pepper-Up potions?" Harry asked and then shook his head. "Nah, that's too obvious, it probably acts as a Pecker-Up potion, right?"

Luna looked at him strangely. "Whatever gave you that idea? The Pepper-Up potion doesn't affect your pecker at all."

"Really, what does it do then?"

Luna grinned and bounced on the bed, making Harry once again thank Merlin for being able to divide his attention.

"Wanna mix one up and have me show you?"

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The girls' naked forms bracketed Snape, as they rubbed against him. "So, do you want to come with us on vacation?"

Snape briefly considered the fact that he would have to face the two most powerful wizards in the world and ask them for… time off, when one Lily smacked the other in the ass with her palm, loudly.

"Not a problem, I'll be back shortly!" he promised, vanishing with a crack.

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Snape strode into Voldemort's throne room quickly, still looking crispy around the edges and smoldering a bit. "Pardon me, my Lord, but I just had a run in with the wards surrounding the house where Dumbledore is keeping the Potter brat locked up for the summer."

Red eyes, glared malevolently from under a scaled brow at him. "And?"

"And…" Severus thought quickly, if he didn't come up with a good enough reason he'd get crucioed, or worse, Voldemort could turn down his leave request! "I wasn't able to gain entrance and Dumbledore's secrecy vow still keeps me from naming the place, but I did manage to sneak a portkey to it out from under the old fool's nose."

Snape held up a neon green sock that was spelled to port into Potter's bedroom and return to its point of origin, twenty seconds later. It was Dumbledore's idea that Snape could use it to port in and grab Potter in case of emergency, but it'd be perfect for a useless attempt on Potter. Potter could last twenty seconds easy, against anyone but Bellatrix or Voldemort himself ( Snape figured Voldemort was far too paranoid to go himself and what were the odds he'd risk Bella?) and Snape could just blame the automatic return on the wards. Snape would just tell Dumbledore that it was a risky maneuver to gain favor with the Dark Lord and everyone would be happy, especially Snape, as he would be spending the next two weeks having a couple of dementors try and suck his missing soul out his…

"You have done well," Voldemort commended him, breaking his train of thought.

"Thank you, Master, I live but to serve. I hate to bring up unimportant matters at this time of triumph, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for some time off. The wards around the property were… fairly vicious, and I need a couple of weeks rest to recover."

"Take it with my blessings," Voldemort smiled, as Snape bowed and vanished with a crack.

'I like the way his robe swirls when he does that, it just has such style!' Voldemort thought to himself.

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Dumbledore sipped lemonade and searched through the applications for next year's DADA professor. 'It'd be so much easier if they would just check yes or no to the "Plan on killing Harry Potter" box honestly. Is a little honesty too much to ask? Ahhh, here's one; "Goals: Raise the average DADA scores for the year, Break the curse on the DADA position, Bend McGonagall over her desk, End the Potter line." Yes, this one should do nicely; I was hoping one of them would have the courage to attempt to the end the curse.'

"Pardon me, Headmaster," Snape broke in, disrupting Dumbledore's train of thought. "I'm sorry, to give you such short notice, but I'm afraid I'm going to need the next two weeks off to recover from my latest encounter with Voldemort. I've planned something that should make him trust me completely, at little risk to anyone, thought it will appear quite different to everyone involved during the event in question. I'd tell you more, but I need your response to be as natural as possible, in case there are any spies about."

Dumbledore took in Snape's sorry shape and nodded gently. "Of course my boy, you have but to ask," the old man replied, buying Snape's line of shite in a heartbeat. "Regain your strength and return to the fight renewed. I'll make sure we stay the course while you're gone."

Snape bowed and vanished with a crack.

'I like the way his robe swirls when he does that, it just has such style!' Dumbledore thought to himself, not noticing that Snape had just apparated through Hogwarts wards using a loophole (forgotten to all but the Lovegood clan) that Godric Gryffindor himself had put in, that allowed a man to apparate in Hogwarts, so long as it was for the purpose of a booty call.

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Voldemort smiled and handed the sock to Bellatrix. "Bring me Potter and you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams," he promised the mad woman.

"Yes, my Lord!" She grinned ferally, looking forward to crossing wands with the Potter boy again.

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Snape appeared with a crack. "To Maui!" he called, grabbing the two girls and vanishing once more, amidst their giggles, cloaked once more in illusions of death and decay, leaving behind nothing but the smell of burnt hair grease and a wisp of smoke.

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Luna was snuggled up behind Harry, her slender arms embracing him as her hands worked their magic, nuzzling his neck and whispering things that Ron would have had to look up in the dictionary to figure out.

Harry bit his lip and groaned with his eyes closed in pleasure, just as Bellatrix appeared in his room in front of him, as he exploded like a firehose, the Pepper-Up potion doing the job it had been designed to do so long ago.

Bellatrix struggled against the torrent in vain, slamming against the wall and being unable to move for the entire length of time before the portkey activated again.

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Voldemort's grin vanished, as Bellatrix reappeared alone and fell to the floor with a wet plop, splattering white goo in all directions.

Lucius Malfoy approached the downed figure carefully and then skittered back, shuddering in revulsion.

"Is that?" Voldemort voiced, almost afraid to ask if the substance covering her was what he thought it was.

Malfoy nodded gravely.

"The old fool believes 'The Power he Knows Not' is love, doesn't he?"

Malfoy nodded again, Voldemort having let him in on the secret of the prophecy long ago and Malfoy simply having bribed his way into hearing it in its entirety.

"I'm really not looking forward to facing that boy in battle if this is the way he fights." Voldemort said solemnly.

**AN: Needs editing, but I need sleep more! **


	6. Chapter 6

**11 herbs and spices**

Harry whistled happily as he used an old rusted push mower on the Dursley's spacious lawn, while Vernon was reduced to dancing around him yelling 'Doom', to no effect.

He'd tried insulting the boy's looks, intelligence, and even his father before just yelling 'Doom' over and over, but nothing had lessened the boy's good mood and luminescent grin. Giving it up as a loss, Vernon returned to the kitchen and sat himself down at the table. "I'm sorry, Pet, but nothing I do seems to shake him. I'm afraid we've lost him."

Petunia Dursley simply sighed. "I know, Dear. We tried out best, but they've corrupted him with their filthy magic. Soon he'll lose all sanity and become just as crazy as they are. I'm just glad our Dudders wasn't infected with it."

"Dudley could have been magical?" he gasped out worriedly.

"No, it seems to have worked out the way we'd hoped. Lily got all the magical genes, insuring that my side of the family is purely non-magical. No silly wand waving and forgetting how to tie your own damn shoes without a spell in this family!"

"How does that work?"

"Well… me and Lily were twins… of a sort and so one of us got all the magic and the other one got all the common sense. I'd hoped we could turn Harry away from magic, but I'm afraid that was just a foolish idea."

"It's OK, Luv. At least we tried," Vernon said while patting his wife's back and trying to comfort her.

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"Man, Bellatrix looks hot, her skin's cleared up and look at that shine on her hair!" one Death Eater commented, only to have his friend slap a hand over his mouth and drag him around the corner.

"What did you do that for?!" he exclaimed, confused.

"I don't know what happened to her, but earlier today someone said something similar to her and she shuddered and then cursed him to within an inch of his life! It's best just to pretend you don't notice it, OK?"

"Come on she can't be that bad! I mean, she looks loads better than she did just a few days ago."

As a feminine voice growled behind them with an edge of untamed fury the smarter of the two Death Eaters activated his emergency portkey, leaving the other to his well deserved fate.

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Luna collapsed back in bed, panting but wearing a huge grin. It wasn't as much fun without having Harry attached to it, but it was definitely better than anything she'd gotten to play with before.

She briefly wondered how Harry's day was going and if all the effort had raised Professor Snape's temperature any. She knew that the only way she'd ever know if her supposition was correct was by continuing, so she decided she'd had more than enough rest to continue once more, though she did make a note to drop by Harry's once she finally made it out of bed as he really should be doing half the work himself.

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Voldemort and Malfoy looked curiously at the Death Eater who had just portkeyed into Voldemort's throne room.

Not waiting for their questions the Death Eater spoke up, "I tried to warn Bob about making comments about Bella's appearance, but he didn't listen and then he said…"

They both leaned forward as the Death Eater's voice trailed off nervously, his eyes darting around, checking to insure that SHE wasn't lurking about, despite the fact that he'd just portkeyed away from her presence seconds ago.

"He said, she looked… loads better."

Both Voldemort and Malfoy winced.

Voldemort quickly waved for the Death Eater to leave, not wanting to hear any more. "Just go and warn the others, alright? Tell them I said not to mention her new look if anyone asks."

"You know, I think maybe a 'live and let live' policy might be best when dealing with the boy. I mean, where does it say I have to kill some schoolboy?"

"And one must die at the hand of the other…" Malfoy said softly, his voice echoing throughout the room.

Voldemort groaned, "Yeah, well 'hand of the other' gives me a lot of wiggle room, isn't that right my 'right hand' man?"

Malfoy froze.

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Snape and the Lilys took their time choosing the perfect spot to put their towels.

The sounds of people walking into objects and stumbling around amused the two women. Snape wasn't sure if it was the reflected glare off the three's blinding white skin or the string bikinis they had on and the tiny pouch they insisted he wear that caused it.

He'd had to cast three size expansion charms on the interior of the thing to keep it from looking like he was trying to smuggle a banana through customs. Two would probably have been enough, but with the Lilys wearing what appeared to be dental floss he knew the extra room was necessary.

After a generous coating of SPF150 sunscreen the three lay out on the beach and planned their day.

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Hermione Granger sat on Ron's bed and growled at him.

"I did something wrong?" Ron voiced nervously, not expecting the bookish girl to be so pissed at him. He'd had a great dream about her, as apparently she'd been adventurous enough to give him a hair from her underarm and he'd apparently been way more pent up than he'd thought.

"You gave me the wrong hair," she growled.

Ron turned white as a sheet. He'd thought he'd gotten one from the top of his head, but if he'd scratched himself and gotten a pube under a nail or something and the wrong hair had gotten into the potion… 'Oh, Merlin! She had a sex dream about me and now she's going to kill me!'

He'd been tempted to put a pubic hair in the potion, but even he wasn't thick enough to think a girl would go for that right off the bat. Romance her mind first and then start plucking lower, as the saying went.

Hermione Granger set a small case filled with potions, just waiting for the final ingredient, on the bed beside her. "Now, we are going to insure that our dreams for the rest of the summer don't go off track because of… poor hair choices."

Ron nodded eagerly; thankful he hadn't completely blown things and reached up to pluck some hairs from his scalp.

"Wrong hair, Ron," Hermione said pointedly.

He paused and slid a hand towards his armpit, only to see she shake her head.

Slowly, making sure not to make any sudden moves, he slid a hand towards his crotch.

She smiled broadly at him.

"Um… wasn't it suppose to be loads of romance first?"

"Ron, if you can't be romantic during, then you are hopeless and romance without sex is like going to a birthday party and not having any cake. It makes no sense whatsoever. I intend to have my cake and eat it too! Do you understand what I'm saying, Dear?"

"I think so, but can you explain the romance during deal?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and thought Ron was just being thick again, until she noticed he had a quill and parchment in hand and was paying far more attention to her than he ever did to their instructors at school.

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Molly smiled broadly as Ron left the house. She'd hoped the young muggleborn girl would take her boy in hand and teach him there was more to life than quidditch and apparently she had. Her baby boy had just left to go to the library and study, during the summer no less!


	7. Chapter 7

31 flavors!

"I know, I'll get a sample of his blood or hair and create a female doppelganger of him. A couple of enhancement rituals and some training in the dark arts and she'll destroy him!" Malfoy cackled madly and rubbed his hands together as he paced back and forth in front of Voldemort's throne.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "All that'll do is improve his sex life."

"What?"

"Magical clones of the opposite gender always find themselves attracted to the original. Haven't you read Malcanine's work on magical creatures and the bonds of attraction?"

"No, I'm afraid I missed that."

"Really?" Voldemort drawled out doubtfully with a raised, well he would have had he had one, eyebrow.

Malfoy growled in frustration, "for the last time, Cissy is not a female clone of me!"

"Fine, fine," Voldemort tried to placate his right hand man, "it's just that she looks more like you than anyone in the Black family has a right to and your son is practically a clone of you."

"The Malfoy family has a series of spells designed to permanently change hair and skin pigment. What's the good of ruling the world if you can't look good doing it?" Malfoy commented then froze as he considered the fact that his snakelike boss might take his comments the wrong way.

Voldemort smirked and settled back on his throne, sipping a glass of juice, before deciding that it was best to change the subject and let his underling off the hook, this time. "If you went through with your plan all that would happen is the two of them would spend a lot of time in bed together and it'd provide him with a well trained bodyguard at our expense."

"I'll take your word for it. How about taking some sand from a time turner and enhancing it to cast him randomly into the past? He'd inevitably make changes to the past, causing the timeline he's in to branch off and ensuring we'd never see him again," Malfoy ventured.

Voldemort snickered. "The amount of sand that can be enchanted and used for sending one human size target into the past would send him back to about the time his mother was attending Hogwarts. Which is ironic, because we'd have to set the trap in the great hall for it to work. The high levels of ambient raw magic that float around the school tends to concentrate there, due to the wards and the high concentration of magical people. Of course I don't need to tell you what would happen if he was faced with a teenage version of his mum."

"You don't?"

"He'd end up being his own father and still find a way back to the present time. It's all outlined in Gregorie's Pardox parchment."

"Well at least it'd traumatize the little bastard," Malfoy grumbled.

"It wouldn't," Voldemort stated firmly before shuddering in revulsion, "and don't ask me how I know that."

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The girls watched avidly as Snape was drug from the surf by the silicone enhanced blond lifeguard. They shared a grin as she went to give him mouth to mouth and he slipped her the tongue. After a few seconds of struggling she seemed to relax as a white glowing vapor poured from her mouth into Snape's own.

Standing up and brushing the sand from himself, Snape strolled back to the girls like nothing had happened.

"So, what did you think?" Lily asked.

"It was strangely filling, but it seemed a bit fake, like those muggle drinks with new sugar or whatever they're calling it," Snape admitted.

"Yeah, women like her are mostly all flash and no substance. It affects the taste of the soul. You should try the souls of the damned for something really spicy. They're like eating potato chips, eat just one and you want another."

Lily shuddered drawing the attentions of the other two.

"What?" Snape asked, wondering what could make a dementor shiver like that.

"It's like watching one of those nature shows. Look at the lifeguard you just drained."

The two turned and saw a man in a grey business suit approach the lifeguard who was staring at nothing.

"Who is he?" Snape asked, before noticing several other business suited men lingering here and there unnoticed despite the way they were dressed and wondering why he hadn't noticed them before.

"Talent Agents," Lily shuddered again, "they lurk around places where beautiful but not that bright women hang out. The women slowly lose their souls as they each attempt to outdo each other in displays of how shallow they are and when their souls have faded enough, the Talent Agents creep out and claim them!"

Snape looked at the scene in horror as the grey suited man convinced the soulless blond girl to sign a contract and slowly led her off. "What's going to happen to her?"

"Probably Baywatch or some new teen drama show. She was already headed that way, but it's still creepy to watch. At least this way she'll be able to gain some acting skills rather than being forced to play strippers and forgotten a year later."

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Harry tilted his head to the side as he looked at Luna. "Did you change your shampoo?"

"No, that's strawberry jam," she explained.

"Oh, well I think I like it. Sure it looks a bit different but it adds something."

Luna smiled. "I was hoping you'd like it. Be sure not leave any trace of it," Luna said and shoved his head back down.

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The Weasley family sat down to dinner with Hermione visiting once more.

Fred looked around the table. "Are we missing someone?"

George did a quick headcount. "No, everyone is present and accounted for with the exception of Harry."

"That must be it than. How's Harry doing?" Fred asked.

"Well, he seems much happier than I've ever seen him before while I was on duty today. Luna has worked wonders," Arthur reassured them.

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Fabio looked around his room once more. He'd locked all the doors and windows, making sure no one else was there, but he still felt like someone was watching him.

Shivering the male model turned his head as he caught a hint of movement from the corner of his eye, but once again nothing was there.

"I'm just being paranoid," he assured himself, before he was tackled to the bed in a flash of red.


End file.
